Thunderclouds

A soft growl. A rumble. A roar. And then a murderous screech. Today, the thunderclouds that often seemed angry felt like they were in pain.

Thunderclouds can’t speak, they can’t put their feelings into words. All they can do is make sounds that are often related with one emotion: anger. But is that all they can feel? I wonder.

Today was like always. Like always, the gloom spread across the sky hinting that the heavens would cry again. Like always, there were flashes of light every other minute, cutting through the darkness that would have otherwise swallowed us whole. Like always, the subtle wind was breezing through the gaps between our bare skin and the fabric that is supposed to keep them safe; sending shivers down our spines. Like always, the heavy thunderclouds roamed the empty space ready to pour down at command of the skies.

But today, the sounds felt different. Today, the growl seemed a little sad. Today, the rumble felt a little anxious. Today, I could hear the hurt in the roar. Today, I sensed fear in the screech. Today, I saw shades in the monochrome. And, it felt different.

So, what is it? Have I started understanding the language of the heavens or is this what people simply call projecting?

A bit broken, a little unstable and a complete mess

I am 24 and I have never known happiness
I know what you’re thinking, ain’t that too bold a statement?
I mean, you must have felt happiness some time
That time when you were a class topper and were showered with compliments
That one time you found a dress that perfectly complimented your figure
Or the time when you received your first “Thank You”
Your first kiss
Your first tick on that bucket list
That time your eyes incidentally met those of a cute stranger and he gave you that shy smile
Your first salary
Your first award
Your first recognition
Isn’t not knowing happiness too bold a claim?

Well yes, I’ve been there, all those places
Places where I was showered with appreciation and gratitude and all I could do was put up my fakest smile
Places where my eyes dreamt of love but all I did was bite my lip to suppress that cry for help
Places where my compentency was proven and rewarded but my immediate action was to stash it away and never look at it again
Oh yes, it’s true, I have indeed felt happiness

I am like you, another human being with the same basic biological build up
A being that evolved to develop these stuff called emotions
But you see, feeling and knowing the feeling are just not the same
Just like feeling love and knowing you love someone are completely different

I’ve felt anger, I’ve felt sadness and yes, I’ve felt “happiness” too
I’ve felt pain, I’ve felt joy, I’ve felt hopelessness too
But I can’t explain them to you
We all seek happiness, it’s true and I suppose I pursue it too
But I can’t remember what happiness feels like
My brain a jumbled lump when someone asks what my happy place is
A bit broken, a little unstable and a complete mess
You see, I am 24 and I have never known happiness