Tag: insomnia

Hanging by a Thread

All these years I have never had a problem falling asleep. Except when I was caffeinated of course. With all the guilt, the hatred, the pain I have collected within myself over these years, although they made me dysfunctional in a number of ways, they never barred me from falling asleep for sleep was my only escape from all these needless whispers, these unclear, needless words floating in my head. People envied this ability of mine, close your eyes and almost a minute later, venture to a place where theories of time and space were no longer relevant. But guess people envied it a little bit too much for now, I’ve lost it. The one temporary exit I had, I’ve lost.

And then the nightmares start. While the brain’s wide awake, the nightmares start. A nightmare where I’m hanging by a thread, a thread that’ll snap and I’ll stab. In the silence of the night, these whispers become loud and clear as they take the shape of a heart that struggles to beat, of nails that struggle to not hurt the body they are a part of, of fists that struggle to not hit the beats out of the heart.

And every night, I lose this war and maybe because I lose it, at some point, I gradually drift to sleep and finally, go back to the place where I belong.

What Caffeine Does to Me and Why I Still Depend on It.

It’s 12:30 A.M. I just finished my due work, set my alarm and now can snuggle into my warm bed. Tired, I fall on the bed in hopes of drifting off to sleep. It was 1:30 A.M. when the slightest traces of sleep finally decided to pay me a visit.

I wake up to a faint sound of tic-tic. Another cockroach. Not actually scared of them but not a big fan of catching them or hacking them to death either. So it took me around 5 minutes to go back to sleep again. I checked the clock, force of habit, 2:30 A.M. Exact one hour differences, coincidence?

That’s when the pain started. It wasn’t like the usual pain for it didn’t hurt at all. At all. I just felt empty. Like a few organs of my body had been taken out. I felt light yet extremely heavy for I couldn’t fathom whatever it was that was happening to my body. I could walk, I could see, my balance was fine yet something was missing, something huge, something I couldn’t put a finger on.

It’s 3:30 A.M. I feel better but am still unable to sleep. This might go on for a while I guess. Maybe this will add on to the list of countless other sleepless nights.

The effect of caffeine hasn’t always been this way on me. There was a time when I drank coffee just for the taste of it. Café Mocha during winters, Iced Mocha during summer. Well, I just love chocolate *insert nervous emoji*. But it hasn’t been the same lately. This dependancy has moved just a step further from a mere liking, it has become a need, one I cannot do without.
Or maybe I can. Maybe it’s just that the fight will be harder, more difficult without it and maybe it’s the realization of having the slightest chance of losing that I chose the easier path. But I guess easy paths do not come without consequences. It’s just that this time, the consequences came as physical blows rather than emotional ones.
Surely, I’ve made promises to myself about this one being the last batch, that I’ll be stronger from tomorrow, that I will leave and never look back. But the thing about dependancy? It’s not as easy to leave behind as it feels. A habit etched into the deep, an unforgettable memory.

The first rays of the early morning light shine through my curtains. 6:13 A.M. Ahh, the coincidences did come to an end. Another day to live, another battle to fight. Guess it isn’t my time to die yet.